When struggling with infertility, taking a break from trying to conceive can lead to some complicated feelings.
It’s amazing how much of our time TTC takes up when you are infertile. The charting, the ultra sounds, and testing, the doctor appointments, the waiting, the obsessing. It is a bonafide hobby. Practically a career. And then you have online forums full of friends and when you are not obsessing about your own fertility, you can analyze their charts.
And then of course there is the hope. Even those who claim to have given up hope, still have a little creeping around somewhere.
This is where I am struggling. Stopping trying to conceive (TTC) leaves you with far too much time on your hands. There’s no drama in a straight line.
No peaks, no valleys, just a steady hum. Huuuuuummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
When you have no blips on the radar, you start to realize how comforting those blips were. Even the sad ones. I find myself sitting around wondering.
Is this it? Is this my life? It can’t be; it’s so dull.
I realize this is partly because I am floundering for something. To strive for something. Something to achieve. A major missing branch in the hierarchy of human needs.
I am afraid if I don’t find a great passion soon, I will become an alcoholic. There are only so many ways to waste time. Huuuuummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Job hunting, on the other hand, is not a great way to waste time since there are no jobs to be hunted. When there is literally one job to apply for per month, unemployed free time seems endless. (Unless of course I am willing to commute 90 minutes one way for five dollars an hour.)
Which brings me back to the career. TTC was my career. Other than a seasonal, part-time job, I have been unemployed for the better part of three years. But it was OK because TTC took up much of my time anyway and we figured I would eventually get pregnant and stay home with a baby. After waving goodbye to that train indefinitely, I now just have no idea what to do.
Huuuuuummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
When people talk about the life you can have without children, it always strikes me as unrealistic. They say you can have wonderful travel, wonderful careers, and wonderful free time. Well, yes you can have those things, but can you really? Traveling expenses are frankly only realistic for the wealthy. If I have to save up for three years to go on a nice trip to Europe, then I am not spending all my free time traveling now am I?
And how about those people who claim their lives are 100% fulfilled by their careers? Seriously? I cannot think of any career that would fulfill me entirely. I think people are making false claims and kidding themselves. And also they are giving others false expectations of the working world. And then look at free time. If all you do is work and sit around saving money, how much free time do you really need? What do you do with it? Swim through the coins in your money bank a la Scrooge McDuck?
Am I supposed to be satisfied with my nonexistent job, nonexistent world travels, and overabundance of free time? It’s the poor man’s retirement is what it is. And at least that guy always seems to have a garden to putz around in.
I realize my main problem is I am too damned privileged. Most people are too busy busting their humps to make ends meet to worry about this crap. I am just a bored housewife with too much time to think. Poor me. Makes you sick, doesn’t it? I am the modern woman anomaly. College educated, smart(?) and at the same time, a pathetic throwback to The Feminine Mystique.
In an effort to become less boring, Mr.JAC and I are moving in two weeks to a very trendy neighborhood in the city. I should fit right in since no one there seems to have a job either, judging by the crowds meandering around in the middle of the day. We will have parks, trails, water, shops, restaurants and nightlife. Which would mean we will spend our time exercising, shopping, eating, and having drinks. Same as here, just in a cooler location full of trendy hipsters.
Which brings me back to alcoholism. It would be so easy to use drinking to fill the time. Almost seems like destiny. The wine drowns out that humming noise.
Original article published in 2008.
