I’m Not A Bad Mom, But I feel Like One
I’ve been quiet lately. Tired. Overwhelmed. Emotional, yet unemotional.
I didn’t understand my funk. It made no sense. I technically had enough time in the day/week/month to achieve my goals in health, family, and business, but it just wasn’t happening. I couldn’t get it together. The house was a mess. I fell behind on work projects. I stopped enjoying everything or anything. I became short tempered with my children. I resented my husband. I loathed myself.
What was my problem? What IS my problem.
I don’t normally get depressed. At least not without an obvious reason. In the past, if I got in a funk, it was always situational. Once my life moved past the suckiness, my mood lifted and everything carried on. This time is different. I don’t think I’ve ever felt this tired. I start having thoughts about how nice it would be to disappear for a little while. A little vacation by myself. Just me, a stack of books, and a pina colada. But I wouldn’t relax. I would just think of all the housework and work-work, and wifery, and mothering I was not getting done.
It finally occurred to me recently that my feelings of hopelessness and desperation were not normal, nor situational. It was time to admit to myself I am dealing with some depression of some sort. Since it is out of my norm, I didn’t recognize it.
And it is time to do something about it.
I don’t know if it is related to being postpartum. I know its a possibility. I did have some prenatal depression this time around. Just because I didn’t have postpartum depression with my other kids doesn’t mean it didn’t strike this time. Its been going on for a number of months, so I suppose it makes sense.
I don’t know what I need to do exactly to shake this, but finally seeing it and admitting it has helped. I decided to evaluate how I was spending my time and pay attention to what things caused unneeded stress.
Nix the things that bring negative energy.
Add more things that bring positive energy.
Have a plan.
Stick to a schedule.
Find small things to enjoy.
Sometimes, I can brighten the whole day with roller skates and a latte. I think as wives and mothers, we often forget how to have fun. I sure did.
We put ourselves last, over and over again, until we no longer recognize ourselves or find joy in our days.
So that is my plan right now. To find joy. I can’t keep hating my days, so I’m choosing not to. This can be challenging. Some days, the kids are all screaming, and the weather is crummy, and the dishwasher is broken, and I feel unappreciated. Then my husband comes home to chaos and a sad wife. My lack of joy affects the whole family.
So, I will change that.
I’ll take on fewer commitments.
I’ll scale down work.
I’ll stop frugality measures that don’t have a big enough pay off.
I’ll do something I want to do and say so. State what I need instead of putting myself last.
I am working hard at replacing hopeLESSness with hopeFULLness and see where that gets me.
Do you have any good strategies for pulling yourself out of that downward spiral?
Those all sound like great suggestions to me, and this was a timely reminder to myself that I need to do the same. I hope you feel better soon!